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Dead is Dead is the 12th episode of season 5. It's title was badly received by fans, who already knew that "dead" meant "dead". What are we, stupid?

Plot Edit

Following the final scene of the previous episode, Ben Linus... Ben Franklin...no...Ben Linus wakes up and he is greeted by John Locke who has been watching him... gay?! Ben tells Locke that he has “Broken his arm”... I mean “the rules”, whatever the hell they are... by returning to the island. He then tells Locke that he must be judged by good old Smokey to finally determine whether his character has run it's story arc on the show. Locke agrees to accompany him to the main island because he has nothing better to do. Before leaving Ben takes a picture of his adopted daughter Alex getting dressed from the desk drawer in his office and then shoots Flight 619 survivor Caligula in the chest with a shotgun, just for fun.

In a flashback Ben then kidnaps the Alex thingy when she was a baby and returns her to The Udders then-leader Caleb Nichol who is sitting with Richard eating Pot Noodles and discussing what the ending to the show may be. There is then another flashback where Caleb Nichol is banished from Lost because he fathered her daughter Lindsay Gardner off the show.

Back in 2007, or whenever Ben and Locke arrive on the main island and meet up with Sun and Frank who are at Christian Sheppard’s "welcome back to the island" party. They join in and Sun shows Locke the picture of Jack and everyone else who is apparently trapped in the past. The picture then starts fading Back To The Future style and Locke realizes that he has to make Michael and WWAAAAAALLLLTTT!!! fall in love with each other again or he and the others from Flight 815 will never exist! Frank decides that he cannot be arsed to take part in Locke’s mission and heads back to the main island where he is kidnapped by the other plane survivors and raped!... Okay that's not what really happened, I got it confused with the UnNews. Anyways... Ben, Locke and Sun meanwhile travel to The Tempest which is a book store owned by a Shakespeare look-a-like (completly different from Temper Tantrum station by the way!). The owner lets Ben go down to the basement where Smokey joins him and together they watch moments of Ben’s life play out on Smokey’s 3D Movie Projecteor. After the last moment has been watched Smokey has to go as he has a date with his mate “The Bandit” so he leaves Ben alone, or so he thinks as Ben’s “dead” daughter appears to him and calls him a “son of a bitch”... Why do all the other characters insist on stealing Sawyer’s catchphrase? They will never be as cool as him!

Another flashback occurs and Ben is shown before the crash of Flight 619 where he tries to kill Penny but when he sees her really nice boat he cannot go through with it as blood will stain the ship’s deck something rotten. He then starts to leave but gets into a fight with Desmond, whom he shoots in the balls... I mean the arm. Desmond then uses his superhuman abilities to beat the shit out of Ben and then he gives Ben a decent bath in the marina because he was all bloodied up from the beating.

After the flashback thing, Ben rejoins Locke who is browsing some of the best sellers in the shop. Ben then tells him that the smoke let him live as Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindleoff have the actor contracted till Season 6. Locke then looks on, horrified by this new information.

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